Facebook has rolled out several changes over the past few weeks that might affect your privacy settings. I suggest you follow my instructions to see what, exactly, non-friends will see when they access your page.
Note: A link to my wall never appeared for non-friends before. Now that we have the option of customizing public statuses, anyone can see our walls. I’ve taken advantage of this by making a few public posts, but I’ve also noticed that information I want to keep private (such as which events I’m attending and when/where) are visible if I post on event walls. I consider this a big problem.
Antisocial Networking is still on hiatus this month, but here’s another important social update for you: Facebook users can now, on a post-by-post basis, decide who can and cannot see their status updates.
The only thing that surprises me about this is how long it took Facebook to release this feature. Google+ has enticed users with its similar “Circles” feature since going semi-public two months ago.
Antisocial Networking is on hiatus for the next few weeks, but I’m always eager to give users important updates on social-networking privacy (one of the most common topics I cover).
According to reports, Facebook will soon allow members to pre-approve photo tags. Although this feature won’t prevent friends or frienemies from posting embarrassing and unflattering photos of you to their own albums, it will give you the power to decide if you want these images linked to your profile.
I am Facebook “friends” with a lot of people from my home town. It has been great keeping in touch with some of them, but there are a few who live for arguing politics and current events on my wall. They are very rude, insulting and hurtful, and they just will not stop. I cannot stand them. Still, I am afraid to defriend them because they might harass me for it or it might make me look bad or snobby. I do not like conflict. What do I do?
Bullied by “Friends”
Dear Bullied by “Friends,”
Your pseudonym says it all: You are being bullied, and your tormentors are “friends” in name only. I genuinely doubt that anyone will look down on you for removing these people from your life. And if they do, so what? Chances are that if they sympathize with your antagonizers, they aren’t very good friends, either.
Facebook is great for keeping in touch with loved ones, but it can sometimes tie us to people with whom we just aren’t compatible. Before social networks, we could escape mean people by ignoring their phone calls or avoiding their usual hangouts. Now, it takes deliberate action to remove them from our lives.
I hate to break it to you, Bullied, but the only way you’re going to avert further conflict is by nipping it in the bud. Sure, defriending these people might cause a stir in the short term, but after a few weeks or months, they will have given up and moved on. Inaction, on the other hand, means they’ll probably never leave you alone.
Facebook has a strong policy against harassment and makes it easy for you to fight it on your own. If you go to anyone’s profile page and scroll below their friends and family members at left, you’ll see two options: “Unfriend” and “Report/Block.”
Clicking on the first option (below) will allow you to remove the bullies from your friends list. They will no longer see any content you’ve made visible only to friends, but they will have access to your public information. They will also be able to see and respond to your posts and comments on mutual friends’ profiles. And, if any of your photos, videos or other posts are visible to friends of friends, they might be able to see those, too. (See your privacy settings for more information.)
If you don’t want these “friends” to contact you again, or if you’re worried about being harassed further, you should block them. When you block people, your profile, posts and comments become completely invisible to them. Likewise, neither they nor anything they post will be visible to you. Clicking the second option gets you this window:
Whatever you decide to do, I recommend reporting the guilty parties by selecting one of the options above via each of their profiles. This is from Facebook’s Community Standards guide:
As a community, we place a high value on respecting each other, and take reports of harassment very seriously. We take action when private individuals are bullied or persistently contacted against their wishes.
If Facebook administrators decide that your bullies have violated the site’s Terms of Use, their accounts could be suspended.
Blocking is Better
Defriending people without blocking them is like saying “Hey, I don’t want to talk to you anymore, but you can still hang out with mutual friends in my living room.” If you dislike someone enough to remove him from your life, why would you want to read his comments or risk his responding to yours? Most of us use social networks for pleasure during our down time. We log in at home—in our personal space, where we should feel safe. Keeping tabs on or interacting with those who have harmed us only serves to violate that sense of security.
In your case, Bullied, I suspect your tormentors won’t leave you alone unless you block them. Just cut all ties and forget that they exist. Spend your time and energy on people who are worthy of your friendship. You deserve better.
I handle advertising for a small startup company. Our target demographic is 18-25-year-olds, and we know that social networking is important for marketing to them. But, which social networks should we use? We don’t want to miss out on cool sites, but we don’t want to stretch ourselves thin, either. Everyone expects me to have all of the answers because I’m the marketing guy, but I don’t. Please help!
Faking It ‘til I Make It
Dear Faking It,
You’re not alone. I get this question every time I speak to media companies, universities and small businesses about social networking, Social sites have only been viable marketing tools for a few years, and for every successful Facebook, there’s a failed Bolt.com, Yahoo! Mash and Pownce. (If none of these sound familiar, just check out Wikipedia’s dizzying list of social networks and see how many you recognize.)
It’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. Social-networking sites are businesses, too and, because they can’t get away with charging users a subscription fee, they compete for advertising revenue.
Why not take a step back from newer networks until they prove themselves useful to your type of business? When you’re the little guy, what you can’t afford in big advertising dollars, you can afford in patience. Remember: The early bird sometimes catches the worm, but it’s the second mouse who always gets the cheese.
Let’s explore some figures:
Last year, companies spent $1.86 billion on Facebook advertising—more than double what they spent in 2009 and eight times what they spent in 2008. Over 12 months, a startup called CM Photographics generated nearly $40,000 in revenue directly from a $600 advertising investment on Facebook.
Twitter, with its subtle “promoted Tweets” and “promoted Trends” advertising model, could generate $150 million this year, tripling last year’s figures. And Google+, which is still in field testing and hasn’t even gone public yet, is already a significant referrer of online traffic. This will only increase once Google+ starts allowing users to create profiles for their businesses.
These are just a few of the social sites advertisers trust.
If your company is striving to obtain local or regional business, FourSquare and Yelp might work for you—or, they might not. It all depends on what you’re trying to sell. Focus your energies on sites with a proven track record of helping your kind of company. Once you begin generating sales and user interest, you can start looking into newer sites to experiment with.
Keep in mind that advertising shouldn’t be guesswork. As your customer base grows, market research will help you mold future ad campaigns to your specific audience.
If you’re still stumped or need additional tips from the experts, Amazon has a huge list of resources.
I have a friend who insists on posting really unflattering and embarrassing photos of me on Facebook. I’ve asked her to stop, but she won’t. She thinks it’s funny. What do I do?
Visibly Upset
Dear Visibly Upset,
I understand your frustrations. You should be able to trust your friends. So, when one violates your privacy—and becomes amused when you object—you’re bound to feel hurt and disrespected.
Before we get into techniques you can use to control your privacy online, let’s talk about your relationship. You need to ask yourself a few questions:
Does my friend really know how upset I am?
Does she respect me?
Is this relationship worth keeping?
Think back to when you asked your friend to stop posting these photos: How straightforward were you? Were you so passive that she might have thought you were joking, or were you clear about your feelings? Confrontation isn’t easy, and many people (myself included) will find themselves mincing words and eventually abandoning tough subjects if they’re not careful.
If this happened when you spoke with your friend, I advise you to try again. As I told “Keep My Kids Off Your Wall,” it’s important to approach relationships with understanding. Your friend might not even realize that she’s hurt you. Talk to her in person and be clear, concise and firm. Explain why the photos bother you and tell her in no uncertain terms that you want them taken down. If she respects you, she will also respect your wishes and your privacy.
On the other hand, if you’ve already explained precisely why the photos upset you and she posted them anyway, you don’t have a social-networking problem, but a friend problem. Life is too short to be spent being the butt of someone else’s joke. If talking hasn’t helped, I would advise you to stop spending time with this person. The easiest way to prevent embarrassing photos from appearing on Facebook, after all, is to stop hanging out with the photographer.
This might be the wake-up call your friend needs to finally realize that she’s being unfair. If not, then she isn’t worth your time, anyway. Take this opportunity to move onto better friendships with people who care about your feelings.
Damage Control:
Unless the photos are pornographic, copyrighted or in violation of Facebook’s terms of use, administrators will not remove them from your friend’s profile. Instead, they recommend that you ask her to take them down (as you’ve already done) or defriend her to prevent her from “tagging” you again. If you choose the latter, chances are this defriending will stretch into real life, so you won’t have to worry about any new photos ending up on the site later.
Whatever you decide to do, remember that Facebook makes it simple to customize your privacy settings. Just log in and click on the “Account” tab at the top-right of the screen. Then, click on “Privacy Settings.” You should explore this page regularly—or at least any time Facebook introduces a new feature. According to founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, new profile sections and tools are often public by default.
If you want to control who can see tagged photos that you or others have uploaded, Here’s a great step-by-step video from SpiderWorking.com:
I hope this advice helps you, Visibly Upset. Remember that a true friend doesn’t force you to endure embarrassment because she “thinks it’s funny.” You deserve better.
I love social media, but I have work accounts for both Facebook and Twitter, plus my personal accounts. I also manage the accounts for several brands at work. Now there’s Google+?! Where do I draw the line, and how do I manage my time with each?
Socially Fatigued
Dear Socially Fatigued,
Online networks like Twitter, Facebook and Google+ are no different from real-life communities: The more you become involved with them, the more you connect with other people and the more others feel connected to you. Companies love this because Tweeting to followers or posting Facebook Questions makes market research fast, easy and free. Users love it because networking with companies gives them a sense of intimacy and importance.
Unfortunately, there are limits to how connected one person can be. I recently blogged about the “Dunbar Number,” or the number of social relationships the average person can maintain—it’s about 150. So, it’s no wonder that juggling all of your personal and professional accounts is leaving you exhausted.
Luckily, there are several things you can do to take the pressure off:
Automated Posting: Set aside some time every morning to type out the day’s social-media updates. Then, submit them to a site like SocialOomph or Deliver It. These services allow users to schedule different times for when posts will appear on their social-networking profiles. Even if you have to check your work accounts throughout the day for feedback, automated posting will make your life simpler. You can now devote your time to interacting with your audience instead of planning new content. (Bonus: SocialOomph and Deliver It offer lots of additional tools you’ll find useful. For example, you can use keyword tracking to see who’s talking about your products or statistical charts to show how many people are sharing your updates.)
Pace Yourself: If managing social-media accounts isn’t your only responsibility at work, you need to schedule specific times to focus on those versus your other tasks. If your company requires that you respond to Fans, Circles, Friends and Followers throughout the day, only do so before or after taking your usual breaks: The beginning of the day, lunch time and before 5 p.m. should do the trick. Your user base is probably most active during these times, anyway. Check out these usage figures for Facebook and Twitter.
Organize: If you’re having trouble keeping up with all of your social-networking sites, usernames and passwords, an aggregator will probably make your life a lot simpler. Services like TweetDeck, 8Hands and HootSuite let users monitor and post to multiple accounts from one place. You can work with several accounts at once, so there’s no need to log into and out of different profiles throughout the day. And, like SocialOomph and Deliver It, all of these services will let you track trends and statistics.
Keep Work at Work and Home at Home: Do not check personal accounts while at work, or work accounts while off the clock. The biggest key to alleviating your fatigue, I would argue, is broadening the line between these two areas of your life. Right now, you’re probably exhausted because you see “social networking” as a cumbersome activity that requires you to stay plugged in at all times. Even logging into your personal accounts probably generates a Pavlovian response—only, instead of salivating, you’re stressing out. But, unlike with work, the pressure you’re feeling here is self-imposed. Set aside a specific time to check your personal profiles—say, from 9-10 p.m.—and remember that no one is forcing you to check them every day.
Unplug: If your employer doesn’t expect you to stay in touch with your audience seven days a week, turn your days off into vacations from social media. Believe it or not, even I have engaged in a social networking blackout. I loved it, and it’s likely that you will, too. Tuning out for even just one day per week will give you time to recharge and reconnect with your real-life world, which you might be neglecting right now.
Downsize: Like any good social-media expert, you probably want to get your fingers into every service out there. That’s great—for work. But how many accounts do you really need for your personal life? With over 1/10 of the world’s population using Facebook, and Twitter and Google+ rising in popularity, it’s a safe bet that you only need one personal social-networking account for staying connected with family and friends. Think about all of the sites you use and pick one account you think you might be able to live without. Then, abandon it for a week. If your world doesn’t collapse, you might be able to get away with deleting that account altogether.
Long story short, Socially Fatigued, you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Take some time to explore the above suggestions and see if they ease your frustrations. Don’t forget to take some “me” time. It’s amazing how therapeutic a bubble bath, a good book or a cheesy movie can be.
How do you feel about “friend”-ing your employees? I generally don’t say anything on my Facebook I wouldn’t say in public, but I do discuss politics—something I have a hard rule to avoid at work.
Getting Friendly with the Staff
Dear Getting Friendly with the Staff,
Don’t do it. If you’re thinking about doing it, stop yourself. If you’ve already done it, de-friend your entire crew. Tell them that it is now your and/or your company’s policy that employers may not engage with employees via social networking.
This might sound harsh, but I can give you several reasons for why friending subordinates is a bad idea:
You’re opening yourself up for a lawsuit: Employment lawyers warn against friending your staff, and for good reason. According to The National Law Journal, doing so could “trigger or exacerbate a host of legal claims, including harassment, discrimination or wrongful termination.” At work, you might never know that one of your employees is your political opposite, practices Wicca, and plans to march in the Gay Pride Parade next month. And, even if this stuff doesn’t matter to you—because it shouldn’t—you can’t unlearn it. If you ever have to fire this employee, he or she could claim discrimination, especially if your posts imply that you disagree with his or her lifestyle and beliefs. (By the way, don’t try to get around this by only friending some employees. You’re just welcoming accusations of favoritism.)
You might have to fire your best people: People need to vent. It’s human nature. And if they can’t do it at work, they might turn to ranting in a Facebook status update. This is fine unless, of course, you’re their manager and their “friend.” Then, you might need to fire them. Back in 2008, Virgin Atlantic fired 13 cabin crew members over Facebook posts mocking the company and its passengers. In 2009, a UK teen lost her job because she kept complaining about it through public status updates. And, let’s not forget about the New England Patriots cheerleader who was fired over a Facebook photo of herself leaning over a passed-out teen with the phrases “penis” and “I’m a Jew” scribbled on this face. As I’ve said before, we’re living on a communications frontier where people are just starting to learn what is or isn’t appropriate behavior for the internet. Save yourself and your business by staying out of your employees’ personal lives.
Half of your employees don’t even want to be your Facebook friend: A recent study by OfficeTeam, a leading staffing agency, revealed that 47 percent of American employees are uncomfortable with friending their bosses. Indeed, many find the idea creepy. A friend request from a manager can leave an underling with an uncomfortable choice: Do I reject it and risk getting on my boss’s bad side, or do I accept it and sanitize my profile until it’s “work-safe”? One only needs to search Facebook with the keywords “boss” or “job” to find a cornucopia of pages designed for complaining about all things work-related. Let your employees have their private venting space. The less you know—provided what they’re saying isn’t a threat to you or your customers—the better.
It’s just awkward: Let’s stop talking about your staff and start focusing on you, shall we? If you use your Facebook account for personal as well as professional interactions, prepare for the two worlds to mix. Even if you’re careful about what you post, others might not be. Ask yourself this: Do you trust your flaky aunt or wild buddy from college to not post an embarrassing photo or story on your wall? If you hesitate to answer “yes,” then don’t even think about friending an employee.
If you want to get to know your staff better, do what your bosses did and have a company outing. Trust exercises and cookouts are a generally safe and supervised activities that won’t get you or your employees in trouble.
If a staffer wants to friend you, just say no. Remember that you’re the boss, not a peer. You can get away with denying friend requests because doing so falls under the umbrella of “professionalism.” If you keep the rules the same for everyone and don’t accept friend requests from anyone on your team, there’s no harm in just saying “Sorry, but that’s against policy.” After all, work is work. If it were a social club, you wouldn’t get paid to be there.
My mother-in-law keeps posting photos of my kids (ages 2 and 5) on her Facebook account. She has almost 500 “friends,” so it really bugs me! She should know better! I just don’t know how to approach her about it. Should I talk to her?
Thank you,
Keep My Kids Off Your Wall
Dear Keep My Kids Off Your Wall,
I completely understand your instinct to protect your children. It’s natural, and it explains the anger you feel when their little faces show up on your news feed without your consent. You’re probably thinking: “How dare this person share photos of my kids? And with strangers, no less!”
But, what is common sense to you probably isn’t so obvious to your mother-in-law. Perhaps she, like any doting grandparent, just wants to show the little darlings off to the world. It’s what grandparents do.
You should talk to her, but before you do, you need to figure out why you’re so upset.
Do you fear for your kids’ safety? That’s fair: While your mother-in-law is “friends” with 500 people, you probably haven’t had the chance to vet them all. And, not only do these friends have access to the photos, but they can also probably deduce who the children belong to and where they live.
If you don’t believe that your mother-in-law knows each of these folks well enough to trust them, you’re probably right. According to evolutionary anthropologist Robin Dunbar, the average person can only maintain about 150 social relationships. This figure has become so popular that researchers call it the “Dunbar Number.” It explains why those of us with hundreds of Facebook friends have trouble keeping up with all of them, even if they don’t post very often.
Are you concerned for your family’s privacy? This is also a fair argument: Some people just don’t want the world watching their (or their kids’) every move. This is a matter of respect: If your mother-in-law respects you, she should remove the photographs. But, you have to give her the chance to do so, first.
Are you upset because you feel powerless—because these photos were shared without your permission? This, again, is a fair argument: These are your children, and so it stands to reason that you want a say in who gets to see their photos. Many people need to be in control in order to feel safe and secure. When your mother-in-law shares these photos with her friends, you no longer have that control.
When you speak to your mother-in-law, be gentle. Remember: Not only is she not your enemy, but she wants the same things for your kids that you do, including an assurance of their safety. She shares these photos out of love, not malice. So, chances are that when you approach her, she will feel as though she’s failed her grandchildren.
This is not a time for blame, but for understanding. You say your mother-in-law “should know better,” but why? She didn’t grow up with the internet, and furthermore, those of us who did still struggle with the “rules” of sharing (mostly because there aren’t any). There is no United States law prohibiting people from posting photos of children online, provided that the kids are clothed. And, as of yet, there is nothing in Facebook’s Statement of Rights and Responsibilities that explicitly prohibits anyone from posting pictures of someone else’s kids.
If your mother-in-law lives nearby, take her out for coffee and have a heart-to-heart. If she lives far away, call her. Update her on how the kids are doing—she surely misses them—and gently segue into “the talk.” Approach her with understanding. You’re both adults. If are gentle and she is a reasonable person, she will see where you are coming from as a parent, and she’ll remove the photos.
What is your opinion on those “friends” who refriend you after you delete them? Should we feel guilty, like maybe they actually followed our status updates, or just keep moving on without them because we never looked at theirs?
Quit Following Me
Dear Quit Following Me,
Given that it sounds like these “friends” never commented on your posts, nor you on theirs, it makes perfect sense that one of you would eventually decide to cut ties. Unfortunately, life on the social networks isn’t quite so simple.
Without knowing your situation, I can only guess as to what might be happening: Perhaps these friends love to read your updates, but they have very little to say online. I’ve got plenty of friends like this, myself. They’ll discuss my posts with me over dinner, but they never comment on my wall. It’s just how they are. I call them “Silent Friends,” or people who mean well, but who happen to be very passive online.
If you feel that this is the case with your friends, you should send them a polite note (in your own words) expressing just why you removed them. Be honest about how you feel—when you get down to the root of an emotion, you’ll find that your feelings are almost always universal. No one likes talking to walls. Ask anyone about that great friend from college who doesn’t seem to read their posts anymore, and they’ll probably look a little hurt and even offended. They might be thinking: “How can that person just ignore me like that?”
With that said, be sure to not get too swept up in your own feelings. You still have to explain why you don’t read these friends’ posts, either.
Understand that anyone sending you a second friend request is in a vulnerable spot. If you find these friends dull or annoying, for example, just tell them that you don’t relate to them. Sure, you could step onto your soap box and put these people in their respective places, but that’s just mean-spirited. As someone who has no interest in being a part of these people’s lives, it isn’t your duty to “tell it like it is.” Their feelings are just as important as yours.
In the end, there is no reason to feel guilty as you have done nothing wrong.
Following you in spirit,
- Antisocial Networking
p.s.,
Here’s a second scenario for you: There is a small chance that these friends don’t read your posts, either. Rather, they might be what I call Friend Collectors, or people who constantly click the “find your friends” buttons on the various social networks. They submit their arsenal of old e-mail addresses just to see if there’s someone in their address books who hasn’t become their “friend” yet. Since there’s no real way of knowing whether someone is a Silent Friend or a Friend Collector, my advice still stands. Perhaps a note from you will discourage Collectors from amassing friends like trophies.
Readers, submit your own questions via my “ask” page.
